You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
