This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Im part way to drunk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
