I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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