pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
