Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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