Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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