Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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