I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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