We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to calm my uterus...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
