Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
