i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
