I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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