Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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