Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
