she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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