Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
