So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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