Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I got inside last night via doggy door
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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