he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
