I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
