you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
