Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
