apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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