Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
