david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Green mimosas i think yes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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