Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
