So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
