Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
