I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I could fuck to npr.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
