As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
