When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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