basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
