I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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