dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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