Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
