went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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