There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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