Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
