Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
