He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
