It's Friday. Sex?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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