I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
