he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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