Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Randomize
