My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
