i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
