i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
