Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
