It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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