I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
