Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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