my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
