my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
