Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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