why didn't you poke me back
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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