this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
