I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Found your dick twin last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
