My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
