he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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