The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
