don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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