When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
