Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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