Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
