Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize