Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
