i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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