This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
