those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
