I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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