I just gift wrapped bread.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
BRING THE BAGELS
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
