Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
3pm strippers are depressing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
