I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
