So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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